Minor Rant

I’m the kind of person that stops and stares at the world. I think about things no one wonders about. I care about the irrelevant, I question the unquestionable. I see things in a way no one else does- things that only ever make sense to me. Some people call me smart; I tell them I just have the time to dwell on it. It makes me different.

But the question in my mind as of late…is that really a good thing?

The world praises uniqueness and individuality, but often at what cost would one have to pay for it? People hold tight to the familiarity of conformity; to them, its their safety blanket, unwilling to face the consequences that come with breaking the norm. Subjected to judgment, alienated and unaccepted- deep inside every person is that feeling of deprivation they fear to face, because the world works only on what it ‘knows’ works, and rarely on ‘what ifs’. My views on life, my attitudes, my reactions, my philosophies, my ethics, my beliefs…they are all of what makes who I am. And yet…its these values that are often put into question by those that don’t see things in the same light. Sometimes the subject of anger or ridicule, or confusion, simply because it isn’t the norm. “You aren’t normal” they tell me, and I’m forced to step back to reevaluate myself as a person, as I have done so many countless times, wondering where I went wrong and trying to understand why it is when I don’t. And I have to force myself to change, to keep up with what they see is right, believing it’s the right thing to do when my mind says otherwise. Oftentimes I end up more confused than I was, more frustrated and more alienated, trying to compromise people’s ways with mine.

I guess this is just a backwards way of saying that I’ve never really felt I belonged anywhere. More specifically- my family. I dislike everything about the Filipino side of my family, most of what people do and believe anathema to my own way of thinking. And not quite fitting in with the American part either, never experiencing their way of life and so out of place in their setting. Its always a struggle for me, on both sides, how to be able to fit in and not feel like dead weight in their eyes. Its just…I keep going back to my past wondering what went wrong, what made me so different from everyone else. If I was just as good or better than any other person, then why can’t I succeed at life while everyone else never seems to have a problem doing so. It seems like the problems are tied to what I am, because I’m not who I’m supposed to be, or expected to be. I’m never sure of who I am, always needing someone to tell me whether what I’m doing is right or wrong, always afraid of screwing up because somehow, some way, I’ll upset someone unintentionally and get bashed for it. My extreme cynicism often shows when I joke around with people, always stating the worse in a situation though maybe this might come off as passive aggressiveness to them.

I like being who I am. I try my best to please everyone. But its hard to live in constant doubt of yourself, feeling that maybe you were better off never being around and never having to be the subject of grief to everyone around you.

~Taddle